


The Best Little Haunted House in Kirkwall

by Cateia



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Gen, Haunted Houses, Humor, Pride Demons (Dragon Age), Team Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-28 02:18:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12595932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cateia/pseuds/Cateia
Summary: Hawke leads his squad on a team-building exercise to a haunted house. It does not go well. PG-13 for some swear words.





	The Best Little Haunted House in Kirkwall

“What’s this?” Varric Tethras asked with an amused chuckle as he snatched a flyer that had been tacked on one of the posts surrounding the bar at The Hanged Man. “Are you behind this, Hawke?”

Garrett Hawke took the flyer from his dwarven accomplice, scanning it quickly. 

 

**_~ HAUNTED HOUSE ~_ **

**_Voted Best in the Marches* Three Years Running!_ **

**_Thrills! Chills! Spills!_ **

**_Located near the Darktown Clinic - Look for the pumpkin lantern!_ **

**_*ok, it’s the only haunted house in the Marches, but it's still the best!_ **

 

Hawke frowned. “Located near--wait, the only thing near Anders’ clinic is that back door to my estate! I ordered that damned thing walled off! What’s the meaning of this?”

Varric shrugged. “Beats me, Hawke. Three years running, eh? Must be good if it’s stuck around that long. We should check it out!”

Garrett shook his head in self-chastisement. “How have I failed to notice a haunted house being run out of my own estate for three years?”

“Perhaps it is because you are never there,” Fenris surmised. “When was the last time you actually had the time to eat a hot meal at home?”

“Good point,” Garrett muttered as his stomach began to growl at the memory of Orana’s magnificent stew. “But if they’re going to hijack anybody’s estate for a haunted house, I’d think they would have picked yours, Fenris. After all, you have those dead bodies in your foyer, and every conceivable surface is covered in cobwebs. It’s perfect, as-is.”

“Ha, ha, very funny,” the elven warrior deadpanned. “That said, I must say I’m with Varric on this. Should be good for some laughs, considering we are the source of and solution to many of the so-called scary things that plague this city.”

Garrett chuckled. “I’ll gather the others. Meet at my place at sundown!”

Several hours later, Hawke’s companions stood around his fireplace, chatting amongst themselves. Garrett smiled to himself as he descended the staircase, still amazed that he’d managed to keep his ragtag crew together after all this time. “Listen up,” he barked in his signature baritone, “We’re going on a team-building adventure this evening to Kirkwall’s finest haunted house!” The crew all had something to say about Hawke's suggestion.

_ “What’s a haunted house?” _

_ “So, we’re finally having an orgy?” _

_ “I don’t see how this is going to help the mages, Hawke.” _

_ “Bianca’s excited!” _

_ “From what I’ve heard, it’s nothing but cheap scares and silly props. Hardly worthy of being called the best.” _

Only Sebastian remained quiet, looking awkwardly at the fire while the others’ excitement built. 

“Sebastian, you’re awfully quiet. Is something the matter?” Garrett asked, his brow knitted in concern.

The archer rubbed the back of his neck. “I hardly think a haunted house is a place for a man of the cloth--”

Hawke leaned in close. “Knight-Captain Cullen gave Bethany leave to join us this evening,” he whispered.

Sebastian perked up. “On the other hand, I can use this opportunity to spread the light of the Maker as a salve for any frightened visitors.” He blushed and dropped his voice low to avoid being overheard. “Thank you, Hawke.”

“She’s sweet on you too, Vael, but break her heart, and I’ll eat yours.” Garrett muttered under his breath as he grinned and slapped the archer on the back. 

“Don’t worry, Hawke. I may be sheltered, but even I know the Chantry can’t stop the fury of a Hawke scorned ,” Sebastian said with a nervous chuckle.

Garrett winked at Sebastian before turning back to the others. “Everyone ready? Let’s go!”

  
  


**_oOoOoOo_ **

  
  


“This is  _ lame _ ,” Isabela said, wrinkling her nose as she looked around the first room of the haunted house. 

“What are these supposed to be? Blood splatters? Real blood doesn’t look anything like that,” Fenris offered with a laugh. 

“Jeez, I think Blondie’s scarier when Justice comes out to play,” Varric joked. 

“No kidding,” Anders replied. 

Bethany clutched Sebastian’s arm, pretending to be scared in order to cuddle up to him. “Do you think that praying will keep the spirits at bay?”

“Of course, Bethany,” he replied, not picking up on her trick. “The Maker’s light shines brightest in the dark.” 

“This isn’t scary at all! Where are the spirits? Perhaps I could conjure some,” Merrill offered. 

Garrett and Varric looked at each other. “You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’, Hawke?”

“Do it, Merrill,” Hawke said quietly. “Just spirits, though. No blood magic. No demons.”

“Demons aren’t all that bad, really, they’re--”

“ _No. Demons._ And don’t conjure that shit  _ here _ . It won’t be scary if the others see you doing magic. Go around the corner or something.”

Merrill rolled her eyes. “Fine,” she said as she crept behind a fake skeleton dressed as Andraste.  _ No blood magic, no demons,  _ Merrill thought in a mocking voice.  _ I can control them, Hawke. I’ve told you that.  _ She shook her head.  _ Just like Keeper Marethari. I’ll show them. I’ll prove that I’m in control.  _ In a fluid motion, Merrill pulled a small dagger out of her belt and sliced her palm. She muttered a quick incantation as her blood hit the floor, each crimson drop lighting like lava as she spoke. Seconds later, a pride demon began to emerge from the blood pool. Merrill scrambled backwards and went to alert her friends, but they were nowhere to be found.  _ A demon of pride? But how? I only meant to summon a rage demon at most-- _

Merrill’s thoughts were interrupted when the demon swiped at her, its foul claws tearing the sleeve of her tunic. “Demon, I command you to--”

“You command nothing,” the demon boomed as it towered over Merrill, its chest heaving with each breath. 

“I freed you!” Merrill shouted in exasperation. 

“And I thank you,” the demon replied. “But my use for you is at an end. Leave now, or I cannot guarantee your survival.”

“HAWKE!” Merrill screamed as she ran down the nearest corridor. “HAWKE, A DEMON APPEARED, HELP!” 

In the next room, Hawke heard Merrill’s cries and smirked to himself. “Hey guys, hear that? A demon, in the haunted house. This ought to be a good laugh, let’s check it out!”

Bethany faux-gasped and shot Sebastian a doe-eyed look. 

“Don’t worry, Bethany, we’ll make quick work of that foul beast,” Sebastian assured her. 

Hawke and Isabela fought the urge to laugh at the pair as the group made their way towards Merrill’s voice. They all rounded the last corner and jumped back as they finally caught sight of the largest pride demon any of them had ever seen. 

Hawke caught sight of Merrill on the other side of the room and rushed to her. “MERRILL! This is a pride demon,” he hissed. “I said no demons!”

“I KNOW, Hawke,” Merrill shot back, “I made a slight mistake whilst conjuring, okay?”

“A slight mistake is spilling red wine on a white tablecloth, Merrill. THIS IS A BIG FUCKING MISTAKE!” Hawke looked up at the demon, who had turned its attention towards them. It began to stomp their way. Hawke’s heart started to pound as the demon crouched down, no doubt to jump and make one of those annoying shockwaves that would knock everyone down. But what the demon didn’t count on was the low ceiling in the basement. When it leapt, its horns got stuck in the plaster, rendering it immobile… for the moment.

“Are we going to argue about the demon, or are we going to kill it?” Fenris asked, his lyrium tattoos flaring a brilliant blue. 

“That’s what I’m talking about,” Isabela said to Fenris with a wink as she twirled her daggers. 

“I told you, Hawke, Merrill is a danger to us all, but nooooooo, you couldn’t listen to me even once,” Anders said with a snarl as he readied his staff. 

“Not the time, Blondie,” Varric chastised. “Let’s deal with Big Ugly first, shall we?”

Sebastian positioned himself between the demon and Bethany as he readied his bow. “Bethany, perhaps you should go to another room so the demon doesn’t--”

“Oh, shove it, Sebastian,” Bethany snapped as she stepped out from behind him and began to shape a magical ice ball with her hands. “I passed my Harrowing, you know.”

“Of-of course, Lady Hawke,” Sebastian mumbled as he shook his head in self-chastisement and pulled an arrow from his quiver. 

The squad furiously hacked away at the stuck demon, desperate to send it back to the Fade before anyone else saw it, but they weren’t quick enough. The door to the haunted house creaked open and a group of teenagers waltzed in, freezing in terror when they saw the demon. Their screams only strengthened it and with an anguished jerk, the demon ripped its horns free of the plaster and it summoned shades to attack the youths.

“Shit,” Hawke grumbled. “Varric, Isabela, Anders, protect those kids!”

“On it,” the trio responded, tearing away from the demon to focus on the seemingly endless waves of shades the demon was spawning. 

“What are you doing?” one of the boys shouted. “This is the BEST HAUNTED HOUSE EVER!”

“Right?” the other boy chimed in. “I’m so scared right now! Totally worth the coppers!”

“Are you mad? Run, you fools! These are real shades who really want to kill you!” Anders yelled as he bashed one of the shades on the head. 

One of the girls’ faces lit up. “OOH, I know you! You were in that play about the Empress of Orlais last fall, right? You’re such a good actor! I’m your biggest fan,” she gushed, brunette curls bouncing in the faint light.

Anders looked at Isabela, confused, and the pirate started to giggle. “Oh come now, Blondie,” she purred. “It’s not every day you have pretty girls swooning at your feet. Live a little!” She slashed through a shade, causing it to dissipate. 

Varric sank a bolt into two shades at once, and they fell into the tiled floor. Just then, the demon turned towards the group of teens and started charging. “Blondie! The kids!” he yelled as he reloaded Bianca.

“Aw, shit!” Anders growled as he spun around. He knelt down and cast a barrier shield around himself and the teenagers. “Isabela, I can’t keep this barrier up for long! Go, now!”

Isabela winked at him and dashed through the demon, reappearing behind it. She crouched like a cat before leaping up, both daggers extended, sinking the runed silverite blades deep into its back. The demon roared and tried to shake the pirate off, but her attack was too much for the weakened beast. It collapsed to the ground with a pitiful wail, crumbling like a burning piece of paper turned to ash as it returned to the Fade.

Hawke and the others gathered together, panting as they sheathed their weapons. “Merrill,” he growled, “There are many things I want to say to you right now.”

“I know, I know, Hawke, I screwed up,” Merrill said softly. “I just got so mad when you treated me like Keeper Marethari does. I didn’t expect you, of all people, to do that to me. Doesn’t excuse what I did, though. I meant to summon a rage demon, but my… pride made it all go wrong.”

Hawke was taken aback by Merrill’s response. “I… I totally did that, didn’t I? Maker, I didn’t mean to, but I did, and I’m sorry.”

The tallest boy amongst the teenagers stepped forward. “Whoa, you mean those things were  _ real _ ?”

Anders’ eyes flashed with rage. “You mean to say you just now realized we were all in danger? What kind of fuc--”

Isabela clamped a firm hand over the rebel mage’s mouth. “What Anders means to say, kittens, is that he thoroughly enjoyed the fright we gave you, and thank you very much for attending the best little haunted house in Kirkwall! Isn’t that right, Anders?” Anders nodded vigorously. 

Varric chuckled as he finished wiping down Bianca. “Be sure to tell your friends, won’tcha?”

The young brunette who had fawned over Anders grinned. “Oh, you bet!” She walked up to the mage, batting her eyelashes. “I’ll tell all the girls at school to come see you… Anders.”

Anders gave the teen a weak smile. “Great. Can’t wait.”

The group of teenagers careened through the room, giggling and shouting, following the signs directing visitors through the rest of the attraction. Hawke shook his head and led his squad out through the entrance, astonished to find a line of people waiting to get in. 

“Pity. These folks missed all the fun,” Varric deadpanned.

Sebastian let out a sigh of relief. “Well, I for one, am glad that’s done and over with. And again, it was the work of a maleficar--”

Bethany interrupted the prince with a sharp glare and cough. “I’d strongly advise choosing a different topic,  _ Your Highness _ ,” she said icily.

Sebastian’s jaw dropped. “I-I’m so sorry, Lady Hawke, I didn’t mean--”

“I know,” Bethany replied, “But I also know that you seem to willfully ignore what I am. I’d advise you to remember that I have Hawke blood in  _ my _ veins, too. The sooner you come to terms with that, the better.” The younger Hawke regarded the rest of the group before storming off, with Sebastian not far behind. 

“I’ve never seen a worse-matched pair,” Fenris said with a chuckle. “A prince and a mage. It’ll never work out.”

Hawke sighed. “I know, but I can’t talk her out of it.”

Isabela straightened her tunic. “Well, that was a helluva thing, wasn’t it? I vote for a few rounds of Wicked Grace at The Hanged Man. Hawke’s treat. After all, this whole shitshow was your idea.”

“Sure was,” Hawke said with resignation. “Sure  _ fucking _ was. Let’s get out of here.”

 

~ FIN ~

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this is a day late for Halloween! I've had this in my "ideas" folder for a while and decided to flesh it out as a NaNoWriMo warmup. I hope you enjoy!


End file.
